TITLE: "Untitled" (title suggestions more than welcome!)
SPOILERS: Now 100% movie spoiler and 6th season spoiler free!!
RATING: R, for language
KEYWORDS: Krycek/other, Mulder/Scully, CSM/Marita
ARCHIVE: For now, at least until when or if I post to the lists, this story shall remain at my archive.
SUMMARY: I think the title says it all. . . . <g>

Disclaimer: Krycek, Mulder, Scully, Skinner, Marita, CSM, Spender, Frohike, Langly, and Byers are not mine. They belong to Chris Carter and 1013 Productions. Please don't sue unless you want an old computer, a stack of magazines, and a tower of badly taped X-Files episodes. The character Agent Kristin Matthews however is mine. She is based on a friend, with her permission. Agent Susan Jackson (aka the slut of the FBI) is also my own creation. You want to use her, just ask and permission will be yours. :-)

Author's Notes: Ok, this story is a little piece of humor I wanted to write. If you are offended by a lot of cursing, I'd advise you to stop right here. Please remember this story is only for fun. My friend Kristin has been talking about meeting Nicholas Lea ever since she met him at the '98 New York Expo. So, to satisfy her needs I put her and Krycek together in this little fanfic.

Dedicated to: Kristin, of course.

By Jen


Dana Scully couldn't believe it. She was standing in the middle of the biggest fight the FBI had ever seen. And it all started with the fact that Mulder had discovered Krycek and his new chickadee in bed together while investigating a new case. A case now known as the "Slut of the FBI."

"I am NOT a slut!" screamed Agent Kristin Matthews at the top of her lungs. Skinner covered his ears. She was a loud screamer.

"No, not you! The other bitch!" screamed CSM back, his cigarette still in his hand. Marita came up to him and frowned.

"But sugarpuff, I thought I was your bitch," she moaned.

"You'll always be my bitch," CSM answered back and the two of them inched closer to kiss.

"HELLO! Umm, excuse me, but before you start making it like rabbits on the top of the AD's desk, I think we should clear this situation," Kristin shouted.

"Yeah, Dad, get your bitch under control!" Spender shouted back and then retreated to his chair to whine about how his father was getting some and he wasn't.

"You're just pissed, cause you can't get some," Marita said.

"Hey bitch, no one makes fun of my son but me!!" CSM shouted back. "You're just pissed cause your old man gets more than you ever will!"

"Yeah, you black lunged bastard!!" Mulder shouted jumping up from his chair. "You're getting so much you had to cheat on my mom, you fucking asshole!! And I'm not even going to mention the abduction thing!!"

CSM opened his mouth to answer but Scully beat him to it and drew out her 9 mm.

"Before you even think about opening your mouth you motherfucker, remember I'm a good shot. You don't want to try me."

"Agent Scully you wouldn't," CSM started.

Scully cocked the trigger. "Just try me."

Before the CSM could respond to that, the seductive Agent Susan Jackson opened her mouth. "I'd hate to have a fight break out over me," she purred.

Well, that did it. Every one stopped fighting for two seconds to chime in together: "Shut up bitch!!!"

"That's the bitch I was talking about!!" CSM shouted.

"She can't compare to me, that right, sugarpuff?" Marita asked worriedly.

"Course," he replied back and they leaned in to kiss again.

"DAD!!!! Quit kissing that slut!!" Spender whined from his chair.

"You jealous?" Mulder quipped and stared down at Spender. Spender stood up. "Well, I don't see you getting it on with Scully! And you had all the chances in the world!! You probably couldn't perform up to Scully's par."

"That's it!!" Mulder ran toward Spender, but Scully caught him, momentarily taking her gun off of the CSM.

But Mulder kept shouting. "Watch this you little prick!!" Mulder grabbed Scully and gave her a long, passionate, breath consuming kiss. Everyone stopped to watch. Seeing this, the agents that had gathered outside of the AD's office started clapping.

"Ok, who won the pool?" one lone agent shouted.

"Bingo!!!" shouted a voice from behind. The crowd parted and Melvin Frohike held up his ticket.

"Wait till the guys hear about this. Ante up, guys," Frohike said proudly holding out his hand.

The agents groaned, but soon piles of 20s and 50s had piled up in Frohike's hands, so much in fact that Frohike had to use both hands to hold it all.


"Damn!" Marita said with an open mouth. "Don't they come up for air?" Mulder and Scully were oblivious to the rest of the room as their kisses grew deeper and more passionate.

"This is better than any porno flick," the CSM stated. "Is anyone else getting turned on?"

"I am, sugarpuff," Marita stated, but Krycek came forward and grabbed her instead.

"Why go back to the black lunged bastard, when you can have the one-armed wonder?" he said, seductively in her ear. The CSM stepped forward.

"Krycek, she's my bitch!!" he grabbed her back toward him.

Marita nodded and smiled wickedly. "Sugarpuff here is a better fucker than you ever were!"

But Agent Kristen Matthews jumped to his defense. "That's a matter of opinion, honey. Krycek here is a great fucker!!"

Mulder and Scully STILL oblivious to the whole room had moved down to the floor.

Meanwhile Marita had become mad at Krycek for dissing her lover and had picked Skinner pencil holder. She threw it at Krycek, but he ducked out of the way and the pencil case bounced off the wall and gave Mulder and Scully a pencil shower.

Mulder looked up annoyed. "I'm working here!! Do you mind??"

"Yeah," Scully chimed. "And I'm the one who hasn't gotten any in six years!!"

Everyone turned to Mulder and Scully and chimed in, "We're sorry." Then they went back to fighting.

Susan Jackson dared to speak again then, "So this isn't about me?"

Another chorus from the crowd, including Mulder and Scully, "NO!!!!!"

The office that had once been neat was now near disaster. Marita picked up anything she could get her hands on and threw it toward Krycek and Kristin. She had thrown Skinner's nameplate when Skinner knew he had to stop. So ducking flying things and stepping over the engrossed-in-each-other Mulder and Scully, he walked over to his desk and climbed on top of it. When on top, he let out a whistle the whole Bureau heard.

"Shut up!!!" he cried. "Krycek, get the hell out of my office before I rip the other arm off!! Agent Matthews, you're on reprimand for fucking a national security risk!!" Then he turned to the CSM. "That goes for you and your bitch, too!!"

The CSM casually lit a cigarette. "On what charges?"

"For being a pain in the ass, a general prick, and just an all around fucking asshole! Take your pick!! Agent Spender, you can do the same. And the reason why? For being a whining-little-son-of-prick-brown-noser!!" His tone softened. "Agents Mulder and Scully," he continue